5 Signs You Are Way Too Guarded

All of us have run into times when we were hurt or felt like someone took advantage of us. And everyone has a bit of a guard up as they get older, forcing them to be more selective about the people they talk with and the information they share. This can give us some protection, but at some point, we can become too guarded and refuse to let anyone into our lives again. 

 

When you are way too guarded and have put too many walls up around you, it can be almost impossible for you to let someone in again. You may be open to love and want to find someone to spend your life with, but every time someone gets close, you shut them down and push them away. How can you tell that you are too guarded and that this problem is causing a big issue in your life?

 

When we are guarded, we will take normal situations and overthink them or assume that there is something wrong with having them in our relationship. There are several signs that you are acting way too guarded and it is starting to harm your relationships. These signs include:

 

• You swallow all your emotions: You decide to push all of your emotions down and never bring them up because you are desperate for things to be different from the last time. While this may sound like a great idea, pushing the emotions down will just make them explode worse than before.

• You have trouble with intimacy: When someone tries to be intimate with you, you decide to play it off as a joke. You may do this to try and protect yourself, but it ends up hurting the other person, which is not a good thing either. You may notice that feelings overall are going to make you uncomfortable. This can include all types of emotions, from having them, talking about them, and seeing others on screen displaying them.

• You are very critical: You are critical and try to play things off as cool to not talk about your emotions. You may feel that this keeps people at a distance, and it does. They will sense your attitude and run for the hills, especially if they would like a commitment.

• Your personality is intense: Those who have their guard up quite a bit are going to play a part, trying to show off how amazing they are, even when they feel down in the dumps. This can often be overdone, and most people can see right through it. You need to be your true self, not someone else.

• You see commitment as an ultimatum: If the other person wants you to commit, it can feel like a bad thing, even though most would see it as a good thing. People who are guarded see this as a big ultimatum, rather than a great milestone that should be next in a relationship. You may feel like your partner is trying to ruin a good thing by pushing it forward, rather than just letting things be. Your emotions can get the best of you, and it can lead to a fight that will end the relationship. 

 

When you exhibit several of these signs or more, it is a red flag that you are pushing people away and need to look at a new approach. If you have been hurt in the past, it is normal to put these walls up to provide yourself with some protection, but it is time to recognize the signs and bring them down if you want to experience true love again. 

5 Tips To Become A Better Listener

Most of us are good at talking and telling our stories, but when we want to make a lasting connection with other people, we need to take the time to become good listeners. We can learn so much about other people and how they interact with us if we can stop and listen to what they are saying and pay attention to some of their nonverbal cues as well. 

 

According to Harvard Business Review, listening well is a skill that can help you through many areas of your life. By learning how to become a better listener, you will be able to interact with anyone and make lasting connections that will help you succeed. Some of the tips that you can use to become a better listener include:

 

Pay Attention to Nonverbal Cues

 

Active listening means that you need to pay attention not just to the verbal cues that the person is saying out loud, but also to the nonverbal cues. This will tell you so much more than the words from the other person. There are a ton of nonverbal cues that you can consider listening for including body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. You will be amazed at what this can tell you. 

 

Repeat Back

 

This one can feel a bit unnatural at first, but you will find that it helps you to process what the other person is saying and shows them that you are paying attention. You don’t need to repeat everything but repeat the last few words back when they are done talking. It can keep you on track, helps the other person feel important, and gives you a few seconds to gather your thoughts. There is no reason to put it into your own words; repeat the words exactly as they were said. 

 

Ask Questions

 

You should ask more questions than you think is necessary. This will help the other person feel like you are listening to them and trying to understand what they tell you. And it is a great way to make sure that you are not overlooking the details. It is unlikely that you will ask too many questions at any time, so keep asking them to show that you are paying attention. 

 

Minimize the Distractions

 

It is really hard to pay attention to the other person if there are a ton of distractions going on around you. if you can’t focus in the room, maybe consider asking the other person to go to a new location so you can give them your full attention. Avoid interruptions, noise, and even your phone to make sure that you can give the other person as much attention as possible. 

 

Don’t Rehearse What You Will Say

 

One of the biggest mistakes that people will make when it comes to listening is that they spend more time rehearsing what they will say, rather than just listening. They want to sound witty or get their important information out there and they end up missing out on key details that would help them get along with the other person better. This is something that you need to avoid. 

 

Instead of rehearsing your responses, you should simply take a brief pause when the other person is done to compose your thoughts. You can think four times faster than the other person talks, so you will need to slow things down and learn to pay attention. Use that brainpower to stay focused so that you can take in as much information as possible, rather than focusing on something other than the person in the conversation. 

 

The Impact That Feeling Fulfilled Has On Your Life

Many people confuse fulfillment with happiness. While the two share many common traits, they’re quite different.

 

The biggest difference is that you can be happy because of something that happened at the moment. But, overall, you still feel like you’re leading a life without meaning or purpose, and, hence, no fulfillment.

 

Today, we’re exploring the impact that feeling fulfilled has on your life. Yet, before we can do that, we have to understand what it is and where it comes from.

 

So, let’s dive in.

 

What Is Fulfillment?

 

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, fulfillment is when you feel like you’re ‘getting everything you want from life.’

 

It’s also sometimes described as having a purpose and a sense of satisfaction with how your life is turning out.

 

This means that fulfillment comes from within. It’s not proportional to how much money you have in the bank or how big your house is.

 

In other words, you can still lead a fulfilling life even though you’re living paycheck to paycheck. How? By doing things that give your life purpose and a sense of achievement.

 

On the flip side, you can be one of the richest people in the country, but still not be content with your life. You may not even feel happy with everything you’ve amassed.

 

Here’s an example that will clarify fulfillment more. Think of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Do you think he had an easy life? No.

 

But do you think his life was fulfilling? Definitely!

 

Despite all of his struggles, Dr. King found ways to fill his life with a sense of purpose and accomplishment, which made him feel satisfied with all the efforts he’d put in.

 

Where Does Fulfillment Come From?

 

At the basic level of human needs comes health and being provided with the chance to work and pursue your goals. You don’t have to be happy and giddy with laughter all the time. You just need to work toward a certain purpose and get a sense of satisfaction in the meantime.

 

So, because fulfillment is an internal process, you have to be willing to do the heavy lifting to achieve that sense of contentment.

 

In order to do that, you have to do certain things that get you closer each day to having more and more fulfillment in your life.

 

Here are just a few formulas that can help bring more fulfillment to your life:

 

• Count your blessings instead of your problems

• Do more of the things you’re fond of

• Establish healthy habits that bring you joy

• Give back to society by volunteering

• Surround yourself with family and friends

• Embrace a more positive mindset

• Be always ready to learn

 

How Does Fulfillment Impact Our Lives?

 

Now that you know how to find fulfillment, let’s talk about the impact it can have on your life.

 

Give Your Life Greater Meaning

 

Our most difficult moments are when we feel like we don’t matter.

 

When you find fulfillment, all that fades away. You understand the value and meaning of your life and that what you’re doing makes a big difference in other people’s lives, even on a small scale.

 

Remember, fulfillment doesn’t come from what you own or get, it comes from what you give.

 

Focus on What’s Truly Important

 

When you have a sense of purpose, you gain a higher level of clarity. You know what you want, and you have a plan for how you’re going to get there.

 

Focusing on what’s important to you will also help you make better decisions. Thus, you’re able to move towards what you want with more deliberation and persistence.

 

Boost Your Self-Confidence

 

We often let society dictate how we should look, talk, and feel. Yet, when you let other people’s opinions dominate your life, this causes a major dive in confidence and self-esteem.

 

Luckily, once you begin feeling fulfilled, you’ll come to love and accept yourself. You’ll also begin to be more confident, which will help you stay resolute and determined when working to achieve your ambitions.

 

Experience More Joy

 

More fulfillment brings more joy and overall satisfaction. And when you’re contented, you send out positive energy into the universe, which comes back to you tenfold.

 

This allows you to focus on doing more of the things that bring you joy. Plus, somewhere along the line, you stop worrying about what other people think or comparing yourself to others, which is one of the most effective ways to reach fulfillment.

 

Challenge Yourself

 

Because life is about growth and progress, it pays to challenge yourself. Then, you can improve and develop your skill set, expand your wealth of knowledge, and reach new goals.

 

It’s important to keep in mind that fulfillment is independent of external circumstances. It’s a simple balance in everything you do to eliminate disorder from your life and forge a path of gratitude and harmony.

Mental Toughness - The Ability to Self-Monitor

Self-monitoring is a valuable personality trait that helps people inform their behaviors and actions appropriately in any given environment. While this trait can help people “fit in” to the current surroundings more naturally, it can also be an excellent way to fortify your mental toughness. 

 

What Is Mental Toughness?

 

According to Mental Toughness Inc., “Mental toughness is the ability to resist, manage and overcome doubts, worries, concerns and circumstances that prevent you from succeeding, or excelling at a task or towards an objective or a performance outcome that you set out to achieve."

 

Self-monitoring and then acting in a way that may go against your natural instincts is challenging and requires notable mental toughness to achieve.

 

What is self-monitoring?

 

According to the psychology experts at VeryWellMind, “self-monitoring is a personality trait that involves the ability to monitor and regulate self-presentations, emotions, and behaviors in response to social environments and situations.” 

 

When you are self-monitoring, you are paying close attention to how you are behaving and responding to what is happening around you in a socially appropriate way.

 

Sometimes, self-monitoring can feel easy and natural. For example, when you are in a quiet, fine dining restaurant, you likely feel the urge to keep your voice calm and low. On the contrary, if you’re in an amusement park with friends, you probably feel the urge to laugh and talk loudly. In each of these very different scenarios, you are gathering environmental information to inform your actions – and then using that information to make personal decisions about how you’re going to speak, act, and behave.

 

In other situations, self-monitoring can be difficult. If you are having an argument with a friend, you may feel tempted to immediately release your frustrations by yelling at them. However, your self-monitoring skills may remind you that yelling isn’t going to solve the problem – in this case, it is better to take some deep breaths, remain calm, and keep your voice steady.

 

When you exercise self-monitoring in this way, it is a true sign of mental toughness. Going against your natural instincts can be challenging! 

 

If you struggle with self-monitoring, what are some strategies you can use to get better at using it?

 

If self-monitoring doesn’t come easy for you, it is possible to improve these skills. Consider employing the following strategies to get started:

 

1. Practice using your observational skills. 

 

Spend more time listening and observing during interactions and conversations with others rather than trying to respond. You can learn a lot about your surroundings and the people around you this way. With this valuable information, you can begin self-monitoring your own behaviors and choices to match what is happening around you more closely.

 

2. Engage in stepping away from situations so you can process what is happening before reacting.

 

In many situations, particularly shocking or surprising ones, you may feel an immediate urge to react in a certain way. However, you can engage in some self-monitoring practice by choosing to step away from the situation momentarily. This gives you a few private moments to calm down, assess the situation, and then decide a plan of action.

 

3. Pay close attention to yourself, especially in different social situations. 

 

Whenever you find yourself in varying social situations, such as out with friends, in a meeting at work, hanging out at the community park, and anywhere else you find yourself on a regular basis, pay close attention to how you act when you’re there.

 

Taking note of specific patterns in your own behavior can help you improve your own self-monitoring. For example, you may notice that people seem surprised by the volume of your voice when you actually pay close attention – this can help you determine a course of action to modify this behavior in future situations.

Friendly Persuasion: How To Get The Things You Want And Need

Life is made up of wants and needs. Whether we get our hands on those wants and needs depends on how good we are at convincing others to give them to us. But no one gives out anything without a convincing reason. That’s where your powers of friendly persuasion come in.

 

People generally gravitate towards friendly people. So, if you learn how to come across as nice and trustworthy, then you’ll be able to win over even the most difficult of people.

 

Yet, remember that persuasion is a skill that needs to be honed and perfected. To help you get started, we rounded up five persuasive strategies you can use to get the things you want and need.

 

Be Confident

 

When you talk with poise, you give off the message that you’re convinced of your idea and know that you’re going to get your way. This subconsciously influences the other party to just give you what you want.

 

According to a study done by the University of Leicester, ‘the single significant behavioral difference between persuaders and persuadees was in the expression of confidence.’

In other words, your ability to persuade people starts with your level of assertiveness. In other words, the more confidence you exude, the more powerful your appeal will be.

 

The great thing about confidence is that it’s easy to fake. If you just act confident, the person in front of you won’t be able to tell whether it’s real or made up. So, take a deep breath, stick out your chin, and show them what you’ve got!

 

Just make sure you don’t oversell it. You might come across as arrogant and cocky, which is a big turnoff for most people.

 

Start with a Logical Argument

 

Generally, people are persuaded by logic. Once they’re convinced that something is the right thing for them to do, then they’ll do it without question.

 

Say you’re trying to convince a co-worker to help you out with a pile of work. Their first reaction will be to resist and probably claim they have their own pile of endless files to deal with.

 

Nevertheless, if you use logical reasoning, you may be able to convince them that they’re the best person to help you.

 

You can also tell them that by working together, both of you will finish faster, which will make both of you earn points with the boss and help the company get projects done at a quicker rate.

 

Choose Your Words

 

It’s no secret that some words have more positive connotations than others. Those are the ones you want to use to win over your argument because they have a higher value than others.

 

They can go a long way in helping you persuade people to see your point of view and help you get what you want.

 

For example, ‘reasonable’ sounds much better than ‘okay,’ and a ‘lucrative’ deal makes it sound so much more exciting than simply a ‘good’ deal.

 

Now, we’re not suggesting you memorize a bunch of bulky words and stuff them in your conversation. All we’re merely saying is that you should put in a bit of effort to arrange your sentences for the best possible outcome.

 

For starters, you’ll come across as a skilled communicator. Not only that, but you’ll also sound more intelligent, coherent, and attentive—all of which make you more trustworthy and, ultimately, more persuasive.

 

That’s the power of rhetoric.

 

Highlight How the Other Person Can Benefit

 

Not only do people gravitate towards friendly people who make logical arguments, but they also need to benefit from whatever it is they’re doing.

 

Here’s another example:

 

Imagine that you’re trying to convince your friends to help you move. Of course, their first reaction would be to run for the hills. No one likes all the hassle and headache of moving.

 

But, if you tell them that you’ll have fun sorting through all your old stuff and that you’ll probably give some of your old things away, they may reconsider. You can also tell them that you’re getting pizza and drinks afterward, and they’ll be all in!

 

Use Subtle Flattery

 

You need to be savvy when using this tactic because it can be a bit tricky to master. Not enough flattery and the other party won’t have time to take it in.

 

On the other hand, too much flattery will come across as too blunt or pushy. Then, the other person will quickly catch on and they’ll feel like you’re bribing them with ill-appropriate remarks. Of course, this means you won’t get what you want.

 

Instead, give them sincere, well-thought-out compliments that boost their self-confidence and make them feel good about themselves. As a result, they’ll be more willing to listen to you and give you what you want.

 

8 Power-Ups for Reclaiming Confidence

There is nothing more crippling than losing your confidence.

 

Without confidence, everything gets harder. You struggle to concentrate. Tasks feel overwhelming. If you stay there, you’ll even find a more long-term emotional impact, where you might fall into depression or become bogged down in indecision. Without confidence, you lose all forward progress.

 

This is why it’s so important to reclaim your confidence after suffering a blow. For a fast boost, try these eight power-ups.

 

Do What Makes You Uncomfortable

 

When you take risks, you stretch yourself in surprising new ways. This is a powerful feeling. Why? It takes confidence to step outside your comfort zone. Trying something new forces you to act with confidence, whether you started out feeling it or not.

 

Find Your Purpose

 

Knowing what you’re destined to do is a fantastic feeling and fills a person with confidence. If you’re unsure why you’ve set a particular goal, or are questioning what you’re doing, you’re not likely to feel confident at all. Solidifying the goal in your mind is a rapid boost to confidence then. 

 

Keep Trying

 

It’s normal to experience failure from time to time. This kind of disaster can easily destroy confidence. You regain this confidence when you get up and try again. 

 

Learn Things

 

Knowledge truly is power. When you really understand something inside out, you tend to be very confident (at least in that area). Continually learning new things expands your knowledge base. As a result, your confidence extends in new directions as well. 

 

Drop the Idea Things Have to be Perfect

 

When nothing is ever good enough, confidence falters. How are you supposed to feel sure of yourself when you’re feeling things are always unfinished or lacking somehow? By accepting things as they are, warts and all, you’ll find you’re relax more and even become more confident in what you’re doing because you’re telling yourself that what you have or are doing is exactly what you need.

 

Dress for Success

 

How we present ourselves to the world really can affect our mental state. Wearing what makes you feel good about yourself will restore confidence. A change in attitude is only a change in outfit away.

 

Trust Yourself

 

When you doubt your instincts, you’re telling yourself you don’t really know what you’re doing. This is why it’s so important to ‘go with your gut’ when faced with a challenge. This kind of trust instills confidence in your ability to judge a situation or outcome.

 

Look Forward

 

Confidence has a hard time standing up to ghosts from the past. When you get caught up in your previous failures or uncertainties, confidence falters. Instead, look forward to positive emotions. When you recognize your potential, you start seeing just how amazing you are. 

 

Embrace Imperfection to Raise Self-Worth

Everywhere you look nowadays there is advice on how to strive, beat the competition, be happy, successful, wealthy, thin, married to your soul-mate, have perfect kids, balance work, and life, win the marathon and then come home and make the perfect dinner. In other words, how to be perfect or at least our early twenty-first-century concept of perfect. There are self-help books to improve every conceivable aspect of your life from your personality to your career.

 

But what if striving to be perfect is not the right goal? What if beating yourself up and scheduling and improving isn’t where you should be? Because becoming 'your best you' isn’t about being perfect (and is, in fact, a shortcut to disappointment at best and a breakdown at worst).  Perfection is an illusion, and making it your life’s aim is a damaging mistake. The bottom line is–you will never be perfect. Imperfection is not only inevitable, but it's also okay. And it’s the thing that keeps us moving forward.

 

Perfection is a mirage, and if it's your goal, you are very likely to fall into the trap of carping on yourself when you don’t achieve it. You will have a skewed view of yourself by having the wrong expectations. The more you try, and fail, the worse your self-esteem will become. That is not a recipe for a happy life.

 

Be kind to yourself – if you’re constantly striving for perfection and criticizing yourself for not meeting those impossibly high standards, you’re setting yourself up for a miserable life because you can’t achieve the impossible goal of perfection. 

 

Take a look around you – despite what you see on television and social media, no one is perfect. Ever. At no point in human history has anyone been perfect. People just do their best, most of the time.

 

Embrace your imperfection – it’s part of what makes you human and not a robot (and remember even robots can malfunction!) Imperfection makes you quirky and interesting and brave and admirable. What’s to admire in someone who gets a perfect score first time, compared to someone who worked hard, made mistakes, learned from them and got there in the end? Or didn’t, but gave it their best shot? 

 

Trying to be perfect is choosing to suffer when you don’t need to. Trying to be your best self is a very different proposition. That’s likely to lead you down all sorts of interesting and fulfilling paths if you’re prepared to make mistakes along the way.

 

5 Steps to Effectively Communicate Your Feelings in Relationships

In relationships, there’s communication, and then there’s effective communication. Communication is something that takes a lot of work, and once you’ve successfully positioned yourself as a communicator, the next step is to crack the code at being an effective communicator. If you’re at that step, try these 5 mini steps to help you along with effectively communicating your feelings. 

 

1. Allow Yourself to Feel 

 

Going into a conversation with guilt or apprehension about your feelings? That won’t help you or your partner. You’re completely allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling, and you’re also allowed to talk about those feelings. 

 

2. Label your Feelings

 

You’re experiencing these feelings, but are you reading more into them? Are you labeling them and trying to put into context the essence of your emotions? It’s not easy to do, but it’s a really important exercise for you to do on your own before opening up and sharing with someone else. 

 

3. Start with Yourself

 

If you’re extroverted or you like talking about your feelings a lot, your first inclination may be to talk it out with your significant other. That’s a great thing to do, but it begins with you. You’ll have a hard time processing everything if you’re influenced by someone else’s insight or advice. Start with yourself, and then work your way up to a discussion with your partner. 

 

4. Remember How Much You Matter

 

You matter to your significant other; your feelings matter to your significant other.  Keep this in mind and try to negate the potential fear or hesitation you may be experiencing. Swap those feelings for feelings of confidence and security in the strength of your relationship. 

 

5. Swap “You” for “I”

 

Whenever you get close to saying “You made me feel” or “You did this,” swap it for a personal statement. A conversation is helpful for you to share your perspective – not for you to point fingers at your loved one. Think about how you feel, why you feel that way, and what has happened to contribute to those feelings. 

 

Above all, when you’re entering into a conversation with your significant other, be happy that you’re taking this step. It’s excellent for you and even better for your relationship. Give yourself (and your partner) a pat on the back for working through something difficult, and keep yourself reminded of the light at the end of the communication tunnel – a happy, healthy dynamic between you and your partner. 

 

6 Reasons Unwavering Belief In Yourself Improves Your Relationships

You probably already know how having an unwavering belief in yourself improves your work life or even helps you be more confident in your everyday life. But were you aware of just how much having this kind of self-belief improves your relationships with others?

 

Think about these things:

 

You’ll be More Genuine

 

When we're unsure of ourselves, it's easy to adopt a persona, especially when around people we're hoping to impress. But how do others around you like the 'fake' you? Sooner or later, the reality always comes out, and when it does, your partner will feel betrayed. Even in non-romantic relationships, trying to be something you're not is a sure recipe for disaster.

 

You’ll Contribute More to the Relationship

 

When you’re unsure of yourself, you tend to let the other person make all the decisions or carry the weight of maintaining the relationship. 

 

While some people don’t mind taking the lead, this does lead to an unbalanced relationship which can even turn into codependency if you’re not careful. The question is, do you want a caregiver or a partner?

 

Confidence is Sexy

 

Ask anyone what they notice first about a person, and the answer which comes up more often than any other is, "Confidence." When you see someone who knows who they are, are comfortable in their own skin, and seem to have a clear view of where they're going, you’re just drawn to them naturally.

 

There’s Less Baggage

 

People who believe in themselves don't need to carry the opinion of others around with them anymore. For example, if your ex put you down, you don't care because you know you're worth more than this. More importantly, confidence frees you up to fully enter into new relationships with others without those old expectations or negative emotions to trip you up.

 

You’ll Argue Less

 

If you get into a disagreement with your friend or lover, you'll be less apt to take things personally and more willing to work through the problem. An important bonus? You won't be so caught up in the other person's opinion of you to where you put up with abuse or leave the argument crushed and broken. People with unwavering self-belief know when to walk away from the fight altogether.

 

You Will Be Respected

 

Finally, when you have a strong sense of self-confidence, you have a strong feeling of self-respect, which goes along with it. When others see you treat yourself as worthy of this respect, they are more likely to treat you with respect as well.

 

As a side note, relationships of every variety always work out best if you have a strong feeling of self-worth. The rest of the world already knows confident people are people worth knowing. Now, so are you.