Can Comparing Yourself To Others Be Good For You?

The answer to this is a resounding “Yes” if you do this in the right way. What most people tend to do is compare themselves to others as some form of validation for themselves or because of envy or some other negative emotion.

 

The secret to comparing yourself to others for your benefit is to do it on the premise that you want to improve yourself. You want to achieve a specific goal and another person has already achieved this goal so you can learn from them and then use similar strategies in your own life.

 

You must have the right Intent

 

Having the right intent for comparing yourself to another person is critical. What we do not recommend you do is compare yourself to someone else that you know is not as good as you in a specific area so that you can give your ego a boost. Avoid this kind of “self-validation”.

 

You may get a temporary ego boost from a self-validation comparison but this can backfire on you very badly. If you don’t know the person that you are comparing to very well then you have no idea what they are capable of. If you challenge them and they end up being better than you at your specialty then this can destroy your self-esteem.

 

Think about why you want to make the comparison. Let’s say that you want to be a successful business manager and there is a manager in your office who always seems to make the right decisions and has the level of confidence that you want to achieve. 

 

You want to find out how they got to their position and how they maintain their confidence. This is specific intent and you are in the right frame of mind to make the comparison. You are not jealous that this person is a manager and you are not. It is all about learning from the person so that you can improve your life.

 

Consume other relevant information

 

The person in your office is not the only good business manager out there. Many have written books and some have their own blog. These days it is easier than it ever has been before to get the information that you need.

 

Once you have decided that you want to be a top-notch business manager consume everything that you can about the subject and keep looking for new material. Modeling the business manager, you know is a good step forward but you can always do more.

 

If you are not a fan of reading then go to YouTube and find relevant videos there. You will be sure to find what you are looking for. Also look for forums on your subject and join them and participate. Ask questions and most people will be happy to help.

 

Be careful of your Self-View

 

You have a view about yourself that you formed over many years. This self-view tells you that you things like you are smart, good looking, talented and so on. We all need this self-view because it defines how you see the world around you and helps you to figure everything out.

 

The problem is that if you believe something in your self-view and something challenges this then there is conflict. So, if you believe that you know a lot about business and someone tells you that you need to learn more about business then this is difficult to take. Relax your self-view and take on board any constructive criticisms.

How To Love Yourself More When You Worry About What Others Think

How do you feel about the concept of self-love? Some will think that this is narcissistic and a very selfish act. But the truth is that it isn’t. What self-love really is about is having a high opinion of yourself and be able to feel happy whenever you want.

 

If you worry about what other people think about you too much you can become overly dependent on them to give you permission to be happy. This is not where you want to be. In this situation you have very little self-love and can only be happy when others tell you that you have done something right or that you deserve it.

 

It is important that you work on your self-love so that you can be more independent from others. There is an old saying along the lines of “you need to love yourself first before you can truly love someone else”. This is very true so in this article we will give you some powerful techniques to improve your self-love.

 

Change your Beliefs

 

If you are letting other people control your life then you will probably have beliefs that are driving you to do this. Each time that you act on these beliefs you will strengthen them. The good news is that you can change these beliefs and replace them with empowering beliefs that will increase your self-love and your independence.

 

This all starts by identifying the beliefs that are causing the dependency. Get a pen and paper and write down the thoughts that you have which drive you to require approval from others all of the time. Once you have established these beliefs you can use techniques to slowly eradicate them and replace them with more positive beliefs.

 

Create Empowering Affirmations

 

If you don’t use positive affirmations then it is time to start today. Write a list of positive things about yourself so that you can say them out loud or in your head at least once a day. Imagine if someone was complimenting you. What would they say?

 

Write all of these down and create an affirmations list. You will need to carry these around with you all of the time because they can be a great way to give you a self-love boost if you are feeling down. We recommend that you read your affirmations twice a day, once in the morning and once at night.

 

Neutralize Negative Self Talk

 

Do you experience a lot of negative thoughts about yourself on a regular basis? We all have self-talk going on in our heads and if this is largely negative then your self-love will be down in the dumps. You need to take control of these negative self-thoughts in order to improve your self-love.

 

Each time you experience a negative thought neutralize it with a positive one. So, for example if the thought is “you cannot make a decision for yourself” neutralize this with “I am a powerful decision maker and always make the best decisions”.

 

Show Gratitude Regularly

 

How grateful are you for the things that you have in your life? We are not just talking about possessions here but other things such as the love of your family and your health. Start being grateful each day for what you have.

 

Write down each day three things that you are grateful for and read them and think about how they make you feel. It doesn’t matter what these things are. You could be grateful for that mundane job that puts food on your table. Or just be grateful for being alive another day.

 

How To Set Personal Boundaries To Lessen Your Dependence On Others

Do you spend a large amount of your time trying to please others? Do you think that this is the only way that can make yourself happy? If you do then it is time for you to change. The most effective way to do this is to set up personal boundaries so that you can lessen your dependence on other people to be truly happy.

 

Without any boundaries in place other people will believe that they can treat you just how they want to. A boundary is really just a set of rules that you live by and others have to abide by in their dealings with you.

 

When you set up effective personal boundaries you are on your way to establishing healthier relationships with other people as well as yourself. Each of your boundaries specify what you will permit in your life and what you will not.

 

With each boundary you create there can be physical or emotional components or both. Think about your boundaries of the start of your independence and your safety net. Once you have decided what your boundaries will be you need to tell others what they are. If someone then tries to violate one of your boundaries you need to let them know they have done this.

 

So here we will take a look at some of the most effective personal boundaries that you can establish.

 

Setting Boundaries is not a Selfish Act

 

Before we get into the specific boundaries you can set, we want you to realize that this is not a selfish act. This will be healthy for you and it can be good for those around you too. When you set boundaries, you are telling others how you see a healthy relationship working. It doesn’t mean that you want people out of your life for good.

 

Start with Small Boundaries first

 

If people have been walking all over you for a long time to get what they want it will be a major shock for them that you are going to introduce boundaries. So it is best to make some small changes to begin with on your journey to independence and freedom.

 

Perhaps you have a full calendar of appointments and tasks that are all based around helping others. A good first step could be to get rid of some of these commitments so that you can have more time for yourself. Be prepared for some resistance here but persevere with it. In time people will get the message.

 

Be Realistic

 

We absolutely encourage you to set goals for yourself to improve your life and lessen your dependency on others. But we ask that you are realistic about this in terms of the time that you have available.

 

If you want to learn a new skill and you need to attend school to do this is this a practical solution for you? You can certainly cut out some of your commitments to free up more time but if you have young children is it practical for you to attend school? Find a practical solution and go for it.

 

Create a Speaking Out boundary

 

Do you speak your mind? Most people that are at the beck and call of others a lot do not do this. Since they were a child, they have been told to put the needs of others first and not to question anything. But sometimes things get too much and you have to speak out.

 

This is not going to be an easy one for you at first if you are not used to speaking out but persist with it anyway. Learn how to be more assertive rather than antagonistic. With any boundary you set it is important to stick by it no matter how uncomfortable it gets.

 

Why Do We Compare Ourselves To Others?

The first thing to say here is that it is totally natural for you to want to compare yourself with others so there is no reason to feel bad about this. What is important is how these comparisons make you feel about yourself.

 

When you think about it if you don’t compare yourself to other people how can you know where you stand and how well you are doing? Since you were a child, you learned to compare yourself to others. It is hardwired into your brain, but this doesn’t mean that you cannot change your approach to comparisons so that they benefit you.

 

The Festinger Research

 

Nowadays there is a lot of research work into why people compare themselves to others but back in the 1950’s there was hardly any. At that time there was a social psychologist called Leon Festinger that had a strong interest in the subject so he decided to run a number of studies on why people compared themselves to others.

 

After he completed the studies, he concluded two things:

• People like to compare themselves to others as a way of reducing the uncertainty in their lives.

• Comparing themselves with others provided them with clues of how they should think and behave.

 

This was a revolutionary breakthrough in psychology at the time. What Festinger discovered was that each one of us do not have the capability intrinsically or on our own to define who we are. We need to use comparisons with other people to achieve this.

 

Another important breakthrough was that when there is a huge gap between one person and another in terms of say intellect, ability, character and so on that there would be less chance of a comparison occurring.

 

He concluded from this that we are far more likely to make comparisons with people that we consider to be similar to ourselves than those that are totally different. So as an example, it is far more likely for you to compare yourself with another team member at work than it is to make a comparison with the CEO.

 

Importance Matters

 

We all have people in our lives that we consider important. In this situation you will experience a lot more pressure to try and be like these people. So if they have a specific opinion about something then you will try to conform to that opinion because you think that the person is very important.

 

So if you ask someone important in your life for some advice about something, you are far more likely to accept their advice than you are if you asked the same question online and a total stranger offered different advice. You are not objectively weighing up the two sets of advice you received.

 

Two Different Reasons to Compare yourself to others

 

As with most things in life there is a good and a bad way to make comparisons with other people. The bad way can provide you with some short-term benefits but if it goes wrong it can cause you a great deal of pain. The good method will not create any pain in your life at all and should be beneficial always.

 

The bad way to compare yourself to others is to do it to validate how good you are. You choose a person that you know is weaker than you in an area that you excel and use this for an ego boost. 

 

The good way is to make comparisons for your own development. You want to achieve a specific goal so you seek out people that have already done this and learn from them. Can you see the difference here?

 

Why Comparing Yourself To Others Can Be Destructive

Everyone compares themselves to others from time to time. It is a natural thing for humans to do. But often these comparisons can be really destructive. When you compare yourself to another person for the wrong reasons you are actually looking at how your worth as a person compares to yours.

 

There are some people that have got into the habit of comparing themselves to others so much that they do it on an almost daily basis, and sometimes more than once a day. They do it with their friends and family, at work with their colleagues and even with famous people. So why can this be so bad for you to do?

 

Bitterness and Anger

 

You are at work and you get the news that another coworker has received a promotion. This person is younger than you and joined the team later than you did. In your opinion they are just average and they didn’t deserve to get promoted before you did.

 

So what happens here? You go into a negative thought spiral that runs around in your head for most of the day. “How dare they promote this person before me!” The negative spiral makes you start to doubt your own ability so you experience thoughts like “I am not good enough” and “nobody here respects me”.

 

What you are not taking into account is that this person has been attending night classes to learn about business and management. They have also taken on projects that you would never take on because they could go wrong and that is just too risky for you.

 

You are totally bitter about this situation. Every time you arrive in the office the negative thought spiral kicks in. Now your bitterness towards this person has turned to anger and you do everything that you can to avoid them. The person invites you to celebrate with them but you find an excuse not to attend.

 

Before this person received the promotion you had no problem with them at all. You used to talk to them all the time and even laugh and joke with them. Now everything has changed. You are just bitter and resentful. 

 

This is a very bad situation. Every time you go to your office you feel bitterness and anger. This is not good for your health or your self-esteem. You are not interested in the back story and the person’s efforts to achieve promotion. You have not done any of these things and expect everything to just fall into your lap.

 

Impact on Self-esteem

 

One of the most dangerous things about negative comparisons is the harm that it does to your self-esteem. You probably don’t realize this is happening but you are thinking that you were overlooked for promotion because you are not good enough.

 

When your self-esteem takes a hit like this it can be devastating for you. If you rant and rave about the situation to others in your team then they quickly tire of your complaining and you can lose their support. This in turn makes your self-esteem crash even more.

What you can do?

 

Try to see the positive side of things rather than the negative. Find out how the person got the promotion and use this as inspiration so that you can embark on a similar journey. Whining and complaining when things like this happen will get you nowhere. It will just make you feel terrible and can lead to lots of other problems.

 

Ways To Boost Your Self-esteem After Making Bad Comparisons

If you are someone that keeps making bad comparisons with others that make you feel negatively about yourself then your self-esteem is going to be low. When you see that your neighbor has a brand-new car and your car is years old then you can go into a negative spiral which will lower your self-esteem dramatically.

 

You start to question your worth. “Why don’t I earn enough money to buy a new car?” and other similar thoughts fill your head. This is not rational behavior as you don’t know the full story. Your neighbor might have received the car as part of his job or even leased it. All you are focusing on is the pain and the fact that you are not good enough.

So, if you find yourself in a situation like this how can you boost your self-esteem so that you stop having such a low opinion of yourself which makes you feel terrible? We have some great techniques for you in this article.

 

List your previous Achievements

 

We have all achieved a number of things in our lives and often don’t give ourselves any credit for doing this. Just because millions of other people passed their driving test doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give yourself credit for doing this too.

 

Take some time out and write down some of your past achievements. If you had to overcome a number of challenges to achieve something then these need to be on your list. It doesn’t matter how insignificant you think these achievements are. Just write them down and reflect on how well you did.

 

Stop Dwelling in the Past

 

Something that will definitely affect your self-esteem in the wrong way is to dwell on the past mistakes you have made. Everyone makes mistakes but people with high self-esteem learn from their mistakes and move on. They don’t keep raking up the past so that it influences their future.

 

A lot of people believe that if they tried something once and failed that they will never be able to do this in the future. Do you think like this? So, if you wanted to learn Spanish in the past and gave up after a few days this means that you will never be able to learn Spanish. This is just ridiculous and you are letting your past rule you.

 

Look your Best

 

A lot of people with low self-esteem get to the point where they do not care how they present themselves to the world. If you are a man then maybe you haven’t had a shave for a few days and you look terrible. 

 

To give yourself a much-needed boost shave off that horrible stubble now and put on some nice clothes. If you are a woman then get your hair done or your nails. Buy some new clothes that you can wear outside with pride. This will give your self-esteem a much-needed boost.

 

Don’t let Fear hold you back

 

We all have irrational fears that we carry around with us. People with low self-esteem can have a lot more of these than others do. The best way to boost your self-esteem in this situation is to tackle a fear head on and do it anyway.

 

This is not going to be easy for you but once you have challenged this fear and done something that scared you before you will feel so much better about yourself. So identify an irrational fear today and just go for it!

 

How To Stop Being Dependent On Others For Your Happiness

People often get confused about what over dependency really is. It is perfectly natural and healthy to want to be in a loving relationship with someone. You are dependent on their love and they are dependent on theirs.

 

There are a lot of couples where one of the partners works to earn money while the other stays at home and takes care of the children. This is fine too as long as both partners have an equal say in the relationship and a level of independence to pursue their own goals and dreams.

 

What is not healthy is being overly dependent on someone, or even a group of people, for your happiness and contentment. If you feel obliged to spend all of your time and energy making someone else happy so that you can be happy then this is not a healthy situation.

 

A lot of people in this situation become obsessed about the thoughts that others have of them. They are constantly trying to please another person in order to have peace of mind. Before long this can really spiral out of control and you can find yourself overly dependent on another individual.

 

So if you are in this situation just how do you get out of it? Well, you can get out of it but it will take some time and effort on your part. Here are some recommended ways that you can use to gradually free yourself from over dependence.

 

Improve your Self-worth

 

Depending on others for your happiness is usually a sign that a person’s self-worth is very low. Nobody should have to be dependent on someone else to feel happy and alive. By increasing your self-worth you will gradually alleviate the need for this dependency.

 

Think about what you have achieved in your life so far so that you can identify your strengths. People with low self-worth often say that they do not have any strengths but this is not true at all. 

 

If you are influenced too much by what others think then you may have even developed skills just to please them. These skills do nothing for your self-worth or independence. So, think about what you have achieved for you in your life and reflect on these to give you a boost.

 

Look for Happiness within rather than outside

 

A lot of people are conditioned to believe that they can only be happy if they only have certain things around them, which includes people. For some, having a lot of possessions is the key to happiness.

 

But all of these things are really doing is filling a hole in your life. It is better to look for happiness within yourself. That way if you lost everything tomorrow you can still be happy. Consider meditation as an effective way to do this.

 

Be at ease with yourself

 

How do you feel about spending time alone? Does this make you uncomfortable? Everyone should be at ease spending time alone. If you have a problem with this then you need to deliberately find ways to be on your own and become more comfortable with this.

 

Take Responsibility for your Life

 

To lessen your dependency on others you need to take responsibility for your life. Tell yourself that you are responsible for your happiness and how your life will pan out in the future. Set yourself some goals and do things your way.

 

Why Validating Yourself Through Comparisons Is Bad

We all make comparisons with others throughout our lives. Sometimes a comparison can be really good for you and other times it can be bad. There are people that make comparisons based on jealousy and other negative emotions. These will usually have negative consequences such as making a person feel terrible and lowering their self-worth.

 

Then there are good comparisons. These are when a person wants to improve their life and looks to someone else to understand the gap that they need to close to achieve their goals. Maybe they have a gap in terms of knowledge and experience and once they know what this is then they can create a plan to close the gap.

 

Using Comparisons to Validate how good you are

 

Then we have the comparisons that some people make to validate how good they are. There is some good intent here as they want to confirm that they are still great at something. This is a very common type of comparison that happens every day all across the world.

 

Let’s say that a person is very good at making money. They then compare themselves with someone that is always broke and is the complete opposite of them. When they compare their lives the person that is good at making money gets an ego boost while the person that is broke ends up even more depressed.

 

But what if this comparison went wrong? If you are the person that is good at making money and you come across a stranger that looks poor to you how can your comparison for an ego boost fail?

 

Well, you do not know anything about this person and appearances can be very deceptive. You are assuming that they don’t know how to make money like you do based solely on their appearance. You don’t really know what their financial position.

So, you think to yourself that you have been right every time in the past so you are going to give the comparison with this stranger a shot and you are feeling confident. But it turns out to be a disaster because the person has a lot more money than you and knows many more money-making methods than you do!

 

How do you react to this? You are in the company of friends and colleagues who are in a state of shock over this. They begin to act warmly towards the stranger because he is their new idol. Do you become bitter and even angry over this? It is very likely, isn’t it?

 

Other Downsides of Validation Comparisons

 

With a validation comparison there is always likely to be a winner and a loser. It is like a competition and the loser is probably going to be pretty unhappy. In the scenario above the person thought he was going to be victorious and then came crashing down to earth.

 

If you use the same people for your validation comparisons it will not take long for them to get fed up with this ridiculing and start to avoid you. They will quickly spread the word about you as well. For the validation comparer the world can be a pretty lonely place.

 

Using validation comparisons rarely move people forward in their lives. They have got to a pint where they are content to wallow in their victories at the expense of others but they are not setting themselves any new challenges and growing as a result.

 

How To Be More Confident And Less Dependent On Others

If you are someone who is often concerned about what others think about you then this can really tank your self-confidence. Being reliant on others to feel good about yourself is a bad situation to be in. If you had higher confidence levels then you wouldn’t need to do this so much, if at all.

 

So, in this article we will provide you with some proven methods to increase your self-confidence. The first method will give you an instant confidence boost and the others will take more time and consistent effort. Make a commitment to work on your self-confidence every day because it is so important for your independence.

 

Create Confidence through Motion

 

People that are low on self-confidence often have a poor body posture. They tend to sit around a lot or lie on the couch and these things have a negative impact on your confidence levels. It is easy to make yourself feel down and even depressed if you use bad posture.

 

Let’s say that you have been invited to a party by one of your best friends. You are not feeling confident because you know that there will be a lot of people there you have not met before. But you don’t want to let your friend down so you accept the invitation.

 

What body posture will you adopt when you are walking in a room full of strangers? Will you slouch your way in with your shoulders dropped and your head down? This is great if you don’t want to meet anyone new and have a lousy time.

 

But if you want to enjoy yourself then change your posture. Stand tall and throw your shoulders back. Lift your head up so that you can make eye contact with people. Put a confident smile on your face. Practice this in the mirror before going to the party. It will make you feel great!

 

Address your Negative Thinking

 

Unconfident people usually have a lot of negative thoughts swirling around in their heads. These thoughts tell them that they are a loser and their life is worthless. If this is happening to you then you need to take control of your thoughts.

 

This is going to take time and practice so you need to accept that you have to keep working on it. If you have a negative thought which says “you are worthless” then neutralize this with a positive thought like “I am great and have a lot to offer”.

 

Practice this until it becomes automatic. Getting rid of negative thought spirals will do wonders for your self-confidence. You will feel a whole lot better about yourself and ready for any challenges that you may face.

 

Don’t Idolize other People

 

Too many people idolize others and this is just crazy. They hang on to their every word on social media and want to live their life like them. But what they don’t know is that this person has a lot of flaws and they are far from perfect.

 

There is no problem with looking up to certain people because they have more knowledge or experience than you and you can learn from them. But you will never be free and really develop your self-confidence if you just idolize them.

 

Be Proud of Yourself

 

You have come a long way in life and you have many things that you can feel proud of. There have been a number of problems that you needed to overcome and you did that. So, reflect on the great things that you have done before for a great self-confidence boost.

 

What Is Your Self-View And Why Is It So Important?

The “self-view” is a term created by psychology experts for how you see yourself. Sometimes you will also see this called your “self-concept”. Basically, your self view is a combination of your opinions, beliefs, attitudes and preferences that form your definition of who you are.

 

It is all about how you think about yourself. This is really powerful because it will define how you think and the way that you act. Our self-view is critical and we really need it to make sense of our world. 

 

The Self has been Studied by Psychologists for a long time

 

The concept of the self-view is easy to understand but it is a very complex psychological area which has had psychologists trying to figure it all out for a very long time. Although everyone has a self-view it is not always easy for us to know what is really going on on the inside. 

 

This is because we are all different and our mixture of traits, preferences, personality characteristics and abilities differ wildly to the next person. It doesn’t matter that much that we cannot explain everything about the self-view though.

 

What is important is that we are aware of its existence. People need their self-view so that they can form their own perceptions of the world and feel comfortable in their environment. Without it we would always be asking others how we stack up (which a lot of people do anyway but this is usually due to low self-esteem rather than not having a self-view).

 

In the very early days of research into the self-view, Descartes formed the conclusion that the very existence of an individual was totally dependent on how they perceived the world around them.

 

The well-known psychologist, Simund Freud, believed that the self-view comprised of three elements which are:

 

1. Your ID which is pleasure based

2. Your ego which is a state of balance between your ID and your superego

3. Your superego which is driven by your conscience

 

Important Aspects about the Self View

 

There are a lot of different assumptions held about the self-view to make sense about it. Here are some of the most important ones:

 

You Learn your Self View

 

The assumption here is that you are not born with your self-view. You will develop it as you grow and become an adult. In fact, your self-view can change many times during your life. Many experts believe that you can change your self-view if you need to and this is a good thing.

 

Your Self View has Structure

 

Over the years you are likely to develop many different views about yourself. The assumption here is that all of these different opinions are organized into a single self-view. This structure helps you to instantly challenge anything that doesn’t conform to your-self view.

 

Every day an individual is likely to be subjected to many different messages and a number of these can challenge their self-view. Even though these different challenges are about different aspects of a person’s life the reaction is automatic.

 

Your Self-View can Change

 

It is not easy to change your-self view because you have built it up over a long period of time. But you can change it. Sometimes different environmental changes can force you to change your-self view. Other times you may want to change it yourself because it is not supporting what you want to do.