Life After Divorce: Landing On Your Feet

Someone once said that to move on after a relationship takes half the time you spent together. So, if you were in a one-year relationship, it’s okay if you take six months to wallow and reminisce.

 

Yet, that can be much harder to apply to divorce. The waiting period for getting over a marriage that quite possibly spanned the better part of a decade, probably longer, surely takes time. But, you can’t spend the next couple of years of your life feeling sorry for yourself, crying over the marriage that wasn’t meant to be.

 

Your only option is to find ways to get back up and land on your feet. We’re confident that you’ll find yourself again in your time. But, in the meantime, here are a few tips to help get you started.

 

1. Change Your Viewpoint

 

After you’ve been with your partner for so long, it’s natural to feel like you’ve strayed from who you are as an individual. So, after a divorce, you have to re-adjust the way you look at things.

 

Getting a divorce is no longer the stigma that it once was. Just because you’re not with someone doesn’t mean your life is empty or meaningless.

 

On the contrary, you can schedule more time to spend time with friends and family. In addition, you’ll notice that you have more freedom to choose new furniture and try out new recipes.

 

2. Learn from Setbacks

 

Setbacks are disheartening for anyone. Yet, they seem to be more caustic when you’re going through a divorce because, let’s face it, it’s a pretty painful stage of life. There’s no way to sugar-coat it.

 

But, you can teach yourself to make the most of each setback. For example, painful as it may be, you have to look at what went wrong in your relationship.

 

Don’t lay blame; simply lay out the facts. This way, you can use that anger and disappointment to understand what you want and don’t want in a relationship.

 

You can also take this time to work on your own insecurities and failings. As a result, you’ll move from feeling helpless and weak to feeling more empowered and capable.

 

3. Give Yourself Credit

 

As you pick up your life piece by piece, don’t fall into the bottomless pit of feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, be proud of all your hard work and how far you’ve come.

 

You may still not be at the point in your life where you’re making real progress, but you’ve taken plenty of positive steps forward. Celebrate those.

 

For example, give yourself credit if you’ve just made a phone call you’ve been dreading or learned how to do something that was previously your partner’s domain. Those little successes in your daily life should be valued and celebrated.

 

4. Be Grateful for What You Have

 

One way to land on your feet after a divorce is to count your blessings. Look around you at the things you have and the people who care for you. Register as many positives as you can to help you appreciate your life now just as it is.

 

Then, any time you begin to feel sorry for yourself, remember those moments when you felt unheard and unloved by your partner. You probably felt lonely and dejected.

 

Compare that with the support your friends and family give you. Even if you’re on your own, you now have the freedom to go out and make new friends. You can try volunteering, enrolling in a class, or simply becoming a more active member of your community.

 

5. Schedule Things to Look Forward To

 

After a divorce, you’ll find that you probably have more free time than before. You have to learn how to use that time wisely.

 

Don’t spend it all catching up on chores, work, and running errands. Instead, carve out some time for yourself each day–even if it’s just for five minutes.

 

Doing things that you enjoy, like gardening, painting, or just taking a walk, can help lower stress and anxiety. It can also brighten up your mood and add a bit of happiness to your day.

 

Other ideas include:

 

• Joining a book club

• Attend a local art gallery

• Go to a museum

• Host game night and invite a few friends over

 

Conclusion

 

Think of divorce as the end of one path and the start of a new one. But on this one, you’ll do most of the walking alone.

 

The trick is to not look at it as something scary. Instead, take this time to rediscover yourself and embark on a new adventure full of exciting possibilities.

 

5 Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

 

There’s a common misconception about anyone in an abusive relationship. People think that it’s easy for the abused to know they’re in a bad situation. People assume it’s easy to move away from the abuser and start a whole new life.

 

Sadly, that’s far from the truth. Before we begin our article, there’s something important you have to remember. Abuse is all about manipulation and power.

 

Read on to find out whether or not you’re in an abusive relationship.

 

Signs You’re in an Abusive Relationship

 

Abusers are known for placing the blame on their victims. They create confusion and guilt, which they hide behind things like ‘protection’ or ‘playfulness.’

 

Does this feel like something you, or someone you love, are experiencing? If you answered yes, you have to realize this isn’t how a normal relationship should be.

Read the signs below. If you recognize any of them, it’s time to take action.

 

5. You Feel Pressured to Do Things

 

We all know the age-old love story of two people seeing each other’s eyes from a distance. Somehow, they know they’re meant for one another, and they can’t wait for their relationship to start.

 

An abusive relationship has traits very similar to that of this whirlwind romance. In the beginning, you’ll notice that an abusive partner is sweet and considerate. They’ll have plenty of nice things to say that make you feel like you’re special and truly in love.

 

You may feel that the words are nice, but they usually have a concealed urgency. This urgency is their way of gaining control over you as quickly as possible.

 

Do you feel like you’re getting pressured to start a relationship, get married, or have children? This can be a telltale sign you’re in an abusive relationship.

 

4. You’re Always in the Center of Their Impulsive Mood Swings

 

Mood swings are natural. We all have them for one reason or another.

 

What’s not normal is having to endure abrupt mood swings that come out of nowhere. Your partner may be sitting there all calm and nice. Then something triggers them off. They become insulting and furious for no reason.

 

After a few minutes, they return to their calm self. Not only that but they’re apologetic and swear to you they were only joking. These minute-to-minute changes in behavior create confusion and guilt.

 

There are two things to remember when you’re in a similar situation. One, this isn’t normal behavior. Two, this isn’t your fault in any way.

 

It’s important that you’re aware early on that this is dangerous territory. This is the time to take a step back and evaluate whether you want to continue with this person or not.

 

3. You Constantly Get Blamed for

 

Abusers accuse their victims of anything and everything that doesn’t go their way. They usually throw out accusations and blame without any thought or planning. As a victim, you get used to hearing these accusations on a regular basis. Soon, you begin believing it to be true.

 

Take note of whether this happens to you in your relationship. If you notice it happening often, you have to put an end to it.

 

Another thing you have to pay attention to is whether your partner keeps tabs on you. Do they want to know you are at every moment of the day? While it’s nice to have that kind of harmless attention, it’s a dangerous pothole to fall into.

 

2. You’re Made to Feel Isolated

 

One type of control abusers have is to keep you away from your family and friends. They give excuses like, “They’re meddlers” or “They’re trying to break us up.”

 

The whole point of doing this is that they want to make you feel isolated. They want you to feel dependent on them and only them.

 

Another way they isolate you is by gaining control of your credit cards or bank accounts. Or maybe you can’t go where you want without their permission.

 

All these force you to rely only on your partner. This gives them more and more power over you while making you feel less and less in control of your life.

 

Isolation in all its forms is dangerous and should be dealt with promptly.

 

1. You’re in a Constant State of Fear

 

Abusers will rely on intimidation tactics to frighten you. This keeps abuse victims are always in a state of dread and uneasiness. You’re scared of upsetting your partner, or that could insult you, or even humiliated in public. Then, there’s the fear of being physically assaulted.

 

Fear comes in varying degrees. It can even take a toll on your physical and mental health simply by eating away at your self-confidence.

 

It’s worth noting that even if your partner hasn’t physically abused you in any way, just being fearful is a bad sign. Fear shouldn’t be part of any healthy.

 

A Final Note

 

It’s not uncommon for abuse victims to play down the severity of the situation they’re in. Their abusive partners have drilled into their subconscious that they’re powerless and worthless. They wear down their self-esteem, until they truly believe everything is their fault.

 

If these five signs sound familiar, tell yourself that this behavior isn’t acceptable. You don’t have to put up with any of it.

 

That’s the first step. The second step is to try and salvage the relationship. Give your partner a chance to own up to their negative behavior. They could have it in them to change for the better.

 

If they fail to do so, it’s time to walk away. That may sound easier said than done, which is why reaching out to friends or professionals for support can help you make this transition more smoothly. By getting the right advice and having a reliable plan, you can feel safer about finding a way out.

 

5 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with your Partner

You love your partner, but sooner or later, a tough conversation needs to happen. While this is normal, (after all, what relationship doesn’t have its bumps along the way) how you handle those conversations will determine whether you come away from this particular conflict with a stronger appreciation for each other. This is why it’s so important to handle difficult conversations well. 

 

How do you ensure you engage in the best conversation possible in these circumstances?

 

Start with Not Putting Off the Talk Longer than Necessary

 

Take time to count to ten or to take a few deep breaths before beginning. After all, starting with too much emotion will be more damaging than helpful. Once you’re cooled down though, it’s time to talk. Why is it better sooner rather than later? By putting things off, you tend to build up resentment and inflate the conflict. It’s important to address situations before they get out of hand. A small problem today is much easier to solve than a giant one several weeks from now.

 

Drop the Good News / Bad News Approach

 

No one likes waiting for the other shoe to drop, so instead of giving the compliment with a ‘but’ lurking to negate everything you’ve just said, just come out and say the bad news first. If you’re determined to add in the compliment, do so after the bad stuff is out of the way, so you leave the person on a more positive note.

 

Plan Your Conversation

 

Rather than blindside your partner with an uncomfortable discussion, let them know you have something you want to talk about. Make it clear you’re wanting to discuss something that affects your feelings, rather than starting out in an attack. There’s a vast difference between, “I’d like to talk to you sometime about your drinking” vs. “I’d like to talk to you about how I feel when I see you drinking so heavily.” 

 

What Are Your Goals?

 

In any heavy conversation, you need to agree at some point on common goals. Working toward the same thing will help you find your way through the conversation to that eventual place.

 

Keep a Positive Spirit

 

Aim for optimism. Even if the conversation isn’t going how you would like it to, finding something to hope for will soften the outcome no matter what. 

 

Difficult conversations are just that: Difficult. But having a plan in place will help you to get through them. Use these steps to build the framework of your conversation, and even if the outcome is bad, getting there won’t be as difficult as you think. 

 

Top Tips for Resolving Conflicts in Your Relationships

No matter how much you like the other person, at some point, conflict is likely to happen. While most conflicts are fairly small (like trying to decide where to go out for dinner), left untended a conflict can fester and grow. That’s why it’s so important to resolve conflicts in your relationships before they have a chance to take on a life of their own.

 

How do you go about doing that?

 

1. Start by listening. But don’t just listen to the spoken words, but the feelings behind them. It’s the emotions that drive the conversation after all! By listening actively, meaning pausing to ask questions, clarify, and to reiterate what you think the other person is saying, you tell the other person that what they have to say matters. But more importantly, you’re letting them know that they’re being heard.

 

2. Look for the resolution over being right. Giving up the notion that you have to ‘win’ is where you start seeing the solutions. Conflict is not a competition.

 

3. Stay in the moment. Instead of focusing on what happened that brought you into this conflict, pay attention to what’s going on right now. Now isn’t the time for blame. Rather look for solutions.

 

4. Decide what’s important right now. That is called ‘picking your battles’ and is important in determining whether a thing is worth fighting over. Ask yourself if this is just an issue over a minor annoyance that will be easily forgotten, or if you have something deeper going on that maybe needs to be addressed.

 

5. Know how and when to disengage. That means being able to do what it takes to walk away. It might be forgiveness is in order. It might be that you’re just going to need to agree to disagree. Worst case scenario? It might be time just to let the matter go entirely. Whatever the case, there’s nothing to be gained by staying in the conflict. 

 

Resolving conflicts isn’t a hard skill to learn. By following these tips, you will discover how better to deal with conflict in every kind of relationship – whether business or personal. So, take heart – a misunderstanding doesn’t have to mean the end of the world. Instead look at your conflict as a step toward better understanding that will, in turn, lead to better relationships in the long run.

 

5 Tips for Better, Healthier Boundaries

We all have boundaries. Maybe you don’t feel like you do, because of many times past when people have overrun you. Somewhere around the umpteenth time of being taken advantage of, of being ignored about your own needs, and treated as though your time is not valuable, you start to believe that you’ve lost whatever boundaries you had.

 

The good news is, you can re-create your boundaries, and make them stronger and healthier than ever before. How? Read on for a quick list of five tips to jumpstart your life and put it on track for a happier you.

 

1. Permit yourself to start over. While this step seems obvious, there are quite a few reasons for it. First, by telling yourself it’s ok to set boundaries, you’re declaring that you’re important enough even to have them. But also, in acknowledging that it’s ok to start over, you’re not getting hung up on the past. That is you, taking control. Embrace it!

 

2. Pay attention. Here’s where you start getting into the details of who you are and who you want to be. How have people taken advantage of you in the past? Where have you wished there were boundaries? What do you need to do to establish them now? Be mindful of your feelings. Look for the disappointment and anger. What has set those off? Chances are those are places where the boundaries need the most work. You’ll find that self-awareness is key to your success so don’t be afraid to dig into your emotions.

 

3. Where have you been? And where are you now? Chances are a lot of what you feel about boundaries came from your wiring as a child. If no one respected your space growing up, it’s hard to ask people to respect it now. Examine the boundaries of your childhood and compare them to the boundaries of today. What’s lacking? What needs work? It might be that some of the things you find make boundary setting particularly difficult in some situations. Don’t be afraid to ask for help either with a counselor or therapist to work through some of that old baggage.

 

4. Take care of yourself. When you’re not feeling well, it’s nearly impossible to be firm in your boundaries. Being strong and healthy gives you the energy needed to put your foot down when you need to. With that in mind, taking care of yourself not only makes sense, but it is also necessary for future success. Remember the basics: Eat healthy, exercise, and get enough sleep every night.

 

5. Speak up. There’s going to be pushback when you set boundaries. Having healthy boundaries means that you put the work in to maintain them. That means saying ‘no’ when you need to. By being assertive you not only protect those boundaries, but you also tell the world that you have something to say. Need help? Enlist a support team who can cheer you on when you’re flagging – and who aren’t afraid to point out when you’re starting to slip. Sometimes we all need some tough love, especially when we’re pushing for better, healthier boundaries.

 

By following these steps, you’re not only drawing a line in the sand; you’re taking control of your life. Healthy boundaries are meant to protect you so that you have room to grow and become the person you always knew you could be. But first, you have to begin. So, why are you waiting? Aren’t you ready for that new improved you?

 

5 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with your Partner

You love your partner, but sooner or later, a tough conversation needs to happen. While this is normal, (after all, what relationship doesn’t have its bumps along the way) how you handle those conversations will determine whether you come away from this particular conflict with a stronger appreciation for each other. This is why it’s so important to handle difficult conversations well. 

 

How do you ensure you engage in the best conversation possible in these circumstances?

 

Start with Not Putting Off the Talk Longer than Necessary

 

Take time to count to ten or to take a few deep breaths before beginning. After all, starting with too much emotion will be more damaging than helpful. Once you’re cooled down though, it’s time to talk. Why is it better sooner rather than later? By putting things off, you tend to build up resentment and inflate the conflict. It’s important to address situations before they get out of hand. A small problem today is much easier to solve than a giant one several weeks from now.

 

Drop the Good News / Bad News Approach

 

No one likes waiting for the other shoe to drop, so instead of giving the compliment with a ‘but’ lurking to negate everything you’ve just said, just come out and say the bad news first. If you’re determined to add in the compliment, do so after the bad stuff is out of the way, so you leave the person on a more positive note.

 

Plan Your Conversation

 

Rather than blindside your partner with an uncomfortable discussion, let them know you have something you want to talk about. Make it clear you’re wanting to discuss something that affects your feelings, rather than starting out in an attack. There’s a vast difference between, “I’d like to talk to you sometime about your drinking” vs. “I’d like to talk to you about how I feel when I see you drinking so heavily.” 

 

What Are Your Goals?

 

In any heavy conversation, you need to agree at some point on common goals. Working toward the same thing will help you find your way through the conversation to that eventual place.

 

Keep a Positive Spirit

 

Aim for optimism. Even if the conversation isn’t going how you would like it to, finding something to hope for will soften the outcome no matter what. 

 

Difficult conversations are just that: Difficult. But having a plan in place will help you to get through them. Use these steps to build the framework of your conversation, and even if the outcome is bad, getting there won’t be as difficult as you think. 

 

The Invisible Sadness Pool

Merely hearing the word sadness, can already make your feel sad. Well, the truth is, nobody passes by in this world without ever feeling sad. It is a fact of life, amongst other natural emotions and it is one of the most common end results of a heart break. If not dealt right away, it could lead to more complicated situations like depression, stress, etc. 

 

Though, being heartbroken is a circumstance you cannot control, how you react and how you handle your situation is something you can think through. This is where the invisible sadness pool comes to the picture. If you choose to drown yourself to your own sadness pool, then even if people around you try to give their helping hand, nothing can be done. 

 

Another important thing to consider is that, your sadness pool may be invisible to others. People might see you just fine or even happy, while you are actually feeling so low in the inside. You see, it is only you who can swim in that invisible pool. But then again, the choice is always yours. 

 

Heartbreaks can indeed, break you. it is one of the consequences of falling in love. This can be experienced not only because of a person, though. Heartbreaks can also be because of your passion, business, children, a long- time friend, family, etc. But of course, those that are romantic in origin almost always gets the spotlight. Romantic love is known for being the most bittersweet amongst all the other factors in the makings of sadness pools. 

 

This is not telling you not to fall in love. Think of it more of a reminder on the importance of knowing how to enjoy the fall and being on guard at the same time. Have all these confused you? 

Why Do Beautiful Things Fall Apart?

When you start asking yourself questions like the title of this article, try looking for answers that are both objective and positive. Beautiful things, like a happy romantic relationship do fall apart. That is one fact that can’t be ignored. But why do breakups happen? How does one understand a breakup? Here are some points to ponder on: 

 

·    People grow, people change – like what scientists say, change is the only thing constant in this world. So, there will come a time when it will seem to you that the person you fell in love with is no longer the same. Though, the ‘change’ may not necessarily mean there is also a change of heart, accepting the ‘new person’ in front of you could be overwhelming. 

·    Falling out of love is possible – before you start calling your “ex” a liar, understand that the full-of-love-and-butterflies-in-the-stomach phase at the beginning of any relationship has an expiration date. 

·    Relationships, like an organic thing, have its own growth process – this is, one of the main and hurtful truths that is bitter to swallow. do you remember yourself asking “We used to…but now…why?” If you try to look at this question objectively, you will understand that this is actually geared towards the positive. How so? Can you imagine a relationship that is stagnant from start to present/finish? You see, personal development is also something that is affected by your relationships. And if your current romantic relationship doesn’t make you a better person, then breakup is inevitable. 

 

If you would want a deeper take on the topic of this article, then eBooks in your smartphone are perfect for you. You can, not only read it at your own time and space (even while commuting to work or while in the toilet) it also comes handy-dandy as you will only be needing your phone, which actually, is already in your pocket. 

 

What to Do When You’re Vulnerable like a Marshmallow

Have you ever wondered why most love songs that top the charts are about heartbreaks? Not just that, movies about love and heartbreaks also becomes blockbuster hits and gain bucketful of tears at the same time. The truth is, heartbreaks can make, even the toughest person, a marshmallow – soft and vulnerable. This is why watching sad movies, listening to sad love songs, eating tubsful of vanilla ice cream and hitting the gym on wee hours feel so comforting. The previous activities relate the most regarding how mushy you feel inside. But, are there other activities that can make you come out of your marshmallow-like feeling? Surprisingly, here is the list: 

 

·    Make sure you have a support system – Depression is real. It is not simply one of the most-searched word in Google. It is experienced by real people and it is a difficult situation to be in. So, before things go out of hand, eat that tub of ice cream and set your goals. You cannot just stay on the couch. Reach out and let others reach out to you. 

·    This too shall pass - Just like all other experiences/hardships/achievements you’ve been through, a heartbreak will have its tipping point, and end. But, you need to help yourself in the process. 

·    It is okay to cry and acknowledge that you are hurting - Pretending you are okay when you are not will take you nowhere. The first step towards healing is accepting the truth. Once you acknowledge what is happening to you, then you could think of what to do next. 

·    The fault is not entirely yours – It takes two to tango; it takes two people to be in a relationship. So, when relationships fail, it is only fair to assume that both involved played a part. Stop blaming yourself and stop drowning in bitterness. 

 

Finally, Moving-On Tips From Real People

Try searching for “Spells for moving on,” or “how to use spells to move on.” You might think it sounds crazy, but the results might overwhelm you. You will learn that thousands of people search for moving on tips and will read or try “spells.” What is this fact trying to say? It is not to affirm the power of spells nor laugh at it. Look at it as simply a manifestation of the difficulties one has to face when trying to move on, especially from romantic relationships. So, how does one surpass the challenge of being stuck in the difficult part of letting of a failed relationship?

 

Without the help of spells, which could possibly go wrong especially when you’re not into memorizing long chants, here are doable tip from people who’ve been there, done that: 

 

·    Allow yourself to grieve – Sadly, in this fast world we live in (fast food, email, smartphones, etc.) even grieving is expected to be fast paced. Though, some people are okay with this, there are some who need longer time to heal. if you feel not yet okay, then accept that you are not. Do not hurry results only to regret at the end. 

·    Give your emotions names - This is simply telling you to make an effort to understand how you really feel. Is it sadness, stress or anger? Identify it to be able to address it. 

·    Try to learn new interesting things – This is to subconsciously teach yourself that endings may turn to new beginnings, if you give it a try and believe that it is possible. Remember that French class you’ve been hesitating to enroll in? Now is the best time to give it a try and so it also is for biking, hiking, pole dancing, taekwondo, etc. 

 

Why Romantic Breakups Leave Such a Mess

Male, female or whatever gender you identify with, you are not exempted from the overwhelming experience of breakups. It is sad, stressful, painful and will make you need healing. The good news is that, many people come out from the experience stronger and ready to begin again. 

 

But, the question is, why does it (romantic breakups) hurt so much? Why does it leave a lot of burned bridges, bitter words and sometimes, regrettable and uncalled for actuations even from the calmest of introverts? 

 

Have you ever heard of the thing called “fantasy bond?” Well, according to studies, this is one of the main reasons for the “mess.” Fantasy bond is an imagined connection that people in romantic relationships develop. It is a false sense of security, feelings of the “other person” completed them, beliefs that one cannot live without the “other person” already, all of which are associated with heightened sensations that goes with falling in love. Imagine all of these inside your head and suddenly losing it all in the moment of a breakup. Breakups shatter fantasy bonds. It brings about a turmoil of negative emotions like self-doubt, insecurities and blame. 

 

Well, life is how we see it and happiness is indeed, a state of the mind. So, even if we say that breakups and heartaches are part of life that can leave us devastated, coming out from it strong and positive is a choice. 

 

May breakups teach you that endings are doors to beginnings. That is, if you can take happy memories from failed relationships and bury the bad with new memories. You are the captain of your ship, sail it to beautiful and colorful shores. 

 

If you want to read more affirmations, especially those who are still in the midst of healing their broken hearts, handy eBooks, which you can read anywhere and anytime are abundant in the market. It is always helpful to read something positive every day.