5 Tips for Keeping Self-Sabotage at Bay

We want to be productive. In fact, you might even wake up in the morning with all kinds of enthusiasm for the projects you’re going to get done during the day. 

 

Now fast forward a few hours, and suddenly you’re dragging yourself home at nightfall wondering where the day went, feeling like you never accomplished anything at all.

 

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Most people feel this way at least sometimes. The trick is to realize that this isn’t something entirely outside of your control. Sure, things are going to happen, which derail you, but more often than not, you’re reaping the fruits of self-sabotage. You’ve derailed yourself, through your own negative self-talk.

 

How to get past this? Simple! Start with these easy tips:

 

Listen to Music

 

It’s hard to get yourself going if your mood is what’s dragging. Thankfully this is a quick fix. Put on some music you love, something fast-paced and catchy for a quick pick-me-up and watch your productivity soar.

 

Get Up and Move

 

Like listening to music, putting your body in motion will build your energy levels (so long as you’re not trying to run a marathon). Dance around the room, take a brisk walk or try a few jumping jacks to get the blood flowing. Then tackle your task again, wide-awake and energized.

 

Look Inward 

 

Conversely, sometimes what you need is some quiet time. If you find your mind racing and yourself unable to concentrate on what you’re going, try meditation to slow things down. Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Take deep breaths, nice and slow, and focus yourself on the present until you feel calm again.

 

Reassess What’s Important

 

It might be you’re not getting things done because you no longer find the value in your goal. If this seems to be the case, take some time to ask yourself some very crucial questions about why you’re on this journey. It might be you either need to shift your goal to something else entirely or, at the very least, adjust the outcome to serve your present needs.

 

Contribute

 

When all else fails, if you do not feel your work has value, offer to help someone else. Mentoring is one of those win-win situations where you bring your life skills and experience to help someone else who truly needs it. At the same time, you rediscover your passion through the act of teaching others what you know.

 

Do all this, and it’s good-bye self-sabotage, hello accomplishment. Soon you’ll be more productive than ever! 

7 Tips for Squelching Negative Self-Talk

You’re caught up in a cycle. You know the one. You’ve been talking down to yourself for a while. Every word in your mind points out your flaws and mistakes to where you think you’re going to go crazy from listening to it if you haven’t already.

 

Negative self-talk can be just this insidious. It gets in your head, courtesy of previous experiences, and negative input from people who don’t always mean well. Once there, it plays the same song on repeat, growing somehow worse with every retelling until you quit trying. Your dreams stall out, and you find yourself doing very little at all.

 

Finally, you need to take your life back and put an end to the negative self-talk once and for all. 

 

Easier said than done? Not necessarily. Try these things:

 

Find the Calm

 

First of all, you can’t combat anything when you’re overly emotional and overwhelmed mentally. Find a quiet place and sit down to take a few deep breaths. If you can, meditate or try a mindfulness exercise until you can reach a peaceful place internally.

 

Take Note of What You’re Thinking

 

Don’t avoid the negative thought. Listen to it. What is it saying? Whose voice does it sound like?

 

Dig into the Roots

 

Now ask yourself what the thought represents. Where did this come from? Is this from an expectation you put on yourself at some point, or does it come from someone else entirely?

 

Drop the Unreasonable Expectation

 

Are you trying too hard to be perfect in some regard? Is there a more reasonable expectation you can put on yourself in the place of this thought?

 

Turn It Around

 

What is the positive counterpoint to this thought? For example, if you’re worried about how bad you are with money, remind yourself of a time when you saved up for something you wanted, or think about a time when you paid off a debt and how good it felt afterward.

 

Create a Habit

 

If this thought is one which comes around often, what is the new thought you want to replace it with? How can you make this thought a habit? Consider this: the more you react in a new way to an old stimulus, the quicker a new habit is formed, and the old reaction disappears.

 

Just Stop

 

In the end, the only way to get rid of a negative thought is to consciously put a halt to it. Once you’ve gone through these steps, tell yourself to stop when the idea comes up again, and keep telling it to stop until it goes away completely.

 

Please note: You don’t have to listen to negativity but sometimes it becomes so firmly entrenched you might have trouble dislodging it by yourself. When this happens, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Talking to a trusted friend or counselor can help you lay this negative chatter to rest once and for all.

5 Beliefs That Keep You from Attacking Your Goals

Everyone has dreams, but not everyone makes their dreams into goals. You may have a few of these too. What are the reasons you tell yourself late at night to put the shutdown on making them a reality? These reasons are beliefs that you have, but that doesn’t mean they are valid reasons.

 

1. Not Enough Time

 

Everyone is busy these days. When someone asks how you are doing, you probably respond with “Busy.” But that might not be the truth. Everyone has the same twenty-four hours in the day. For a week or maybe two, keep a time ladder of how you spent your time. This includes sleeping, preparing and eating meals, social media, getting ready for work, cleaning your house. Take a good look at how your time is spent, and you might realize you have more time than you realize.

 

2. I Don’t Have ‘X’ Talent

 

It doesn’t matter if you want to write a book or paint a picture, you have as much talent as you are willing to work for. You may not have been born with the natural ability to paint, it doesn’t mean you can’t learn and practice. 

 

3. After ‘X’ I Will Do It

 

“Once I get through this (insert tough project at work), I will start training for that marathon.” “After I lose twenty pounds, I will take a salsa dancing class.” Why are you waiting? Maybe that marathon training will help you work through the stress of that project at work. Perhaps salsa dancing lessons will allow you realize that no matter your weight, your body is worthy of fun and sexy movement. If you have a goal, go for it now.

 

4. I’m Not Good Enough

 

What ruler are you using to measure your “good enough”? You are always good enough to go after your own dreams and goals. If this is an internal dialogue, then you need to work on liking and loving yourself first. If this belief is coming from external sources, then consider those sources and if they are holding you back.

 

5. ‘X’ Person Has it Easier

 

The grass is greener where you water it. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes. There are many sayings that sum up that you really don’t know what someone else is going through. So do not assume that someone has it easier, and therefore can achieve their goals while you cannot. That person may think you have it easier or better.

 

Self-limiting beliefs can be a slippery slope. They can also keep you from even trying to reach your goals. Take time to examine your reasoning and come up with better beliefs to counter the negative ones.

How Accountability Can Help You with Self-Discipline

Many people think self-discipline means doing it all on your own, but it does not mean that at all. In fact, having a coach, or a group, or an accountability partner can really help you to develop more discipline. 

 

An example would be when someone puts off housework until they know someone is coming over, and they race around to get the house all tidy before their visitor arrives. It is far easier to give in and be less disciplined when you just have yourself in the picture. When you have a person or people hold you accountable though, you are far more likely to make sure it happens. 

 

An accountability partner is someone you set up a contract with to hold each other accountable for reaching goals. This is a mutual pact and is probably the easiest to set up. The goals do not have to be the same ones, the point is to connect on a regular basis, often once a week, and share with each other how much you have accomplished. The best way to do this is to break up the task into daily chunks and do each one each day so that you are not trying to finish up the project the night before you meet with your accountability partner. 

 

It is often easier to schedule a meeting with one other person than a group of people. You also usually do not have to pay for this method, and most masterminds and coaches are paid programs. You also have more flexibility in how you meet with an accountability partner. You can just call them on the phone, or use an instant messaging program, You could meet for lunch once a week at a restaurant, or at your house. 

 

You may prefer joining a group like a mastermind instead of just a one on one accountability partner. The advantage to having a group is additional pressure on you not to let the whole group down, and the fact when you run across an obstacle, the group can help brainstorm ideas to help you out. Two heads may be better than one, but sometimes multiple heads are much better than just two. 

 

You may find that you want some one on one coaching, or small group coaching instead, to keep you accountable. Maybe you are trying something new and need teaching as well as the connection. One on one coaching tends to be the most expensive option since you are taking up a lot of the time of your coach. Group coaching is becoming far more available because it allows the coach to help more people at the same time, plus gives the advantage of having other people that can help you out with specific issues, like a mastermind. They also usually cost a lot less than one on one coaching so may be more in your budget. Whatever method or methods you use, remember you still have to be disciplined for them to work.

 

Benefits of Developing Discipline

 

When you develop self-discipline, you have many beneficial results. These include a sense of accomplishment, more self-respect, and a better understanding of what you can do. 

 

Discipline is not always easy, but it is well worth it. When you set goals and work on them every day until you accomplish the goal, you feel proud of yourself. Not only because you accomplished the goal, but because you did not quit. You stuck with your goals and made them happen. Think back to when you had a goal and worked on it every day until it was done. How did you feel? 

 

When you discipline yourself to accomplish a goal, you also increase your self-respect. Think of the people you have the most respect for, and why you respect them. Chances are one of those reasons is that they have self-discipline. They set out to do something and they accomplish it. 

 

By doing the same for yourself, you can have more respect for who you are as a person. When you do not use self-discipline, you will feel less respect for yourself. You will find that you have lower self-esteem as well, and are more likely to fall into negativity. 

 

You learn more of what you can do. When you set goals and challenge yourself to meet them, you need to follow through with discipline, When you do that, you will find out that you can overcome obstacles that you might have thought were too difficult, You learn more about who you are and what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it. 

 

A lot of times people put limitations on themselves that are not really accurate. Think about something you think is not possible. Is it really impossible or are you setting a limitation that is artificial? One way to find out is to set a goal and make it happen. Obviously, if you are a couch potato, you cannot immediately run a marathon, but over time as you build up your body with increasingly more intense exercise, you can. 

 

Now it is your turn. Figure out a goal that you want to do, and set up milestones along the way. Then each day do something to make those milestones happen. It does not have to be anything major, just one more small step on the way to your final goal. When you reach that final goal, take stock of how you feel about yourself and what you are capable of doing. 

 

Using Challenges to Develop More Discipline

One way you can develop more discipline is to use challenges. This makes it more like a game and less like a chore. Also, there can be the element of competition with others and having others help hold you accountable which improves your odds of success. 

 

Challenges are very popular and you can find them in many places. Or you can make up your own and share it with a group of people. You also can make your own challenge or use one from someone else to just challenge yourself. However, you end up doing it is up to you. 

 

When looking to see if a challenge will be useful to you, there are some factors to look for, so you can best benefit. Is the challenge realistic? You want to stretch yourself, but not to the point where you have no chance of success. For example, you could challenge yourself to lose 30 pounds in 30 days, but that is not very realistic. You also want the challenge to not be too easy. You need to see if you have the time to devote to it. Be sure to include time for learning new things. For example, if you challenge yourself to build a new blogging website in 30 days, remember that if you have never done one before, you will have to learn some things and that will be extra time above just writing the blog posts, 

 

If the challenge is a large one over a longer period of time, are there clear-cut milestones along the way to help you have a sense of accomplishment? If your challenge, for example, is losing 60 pounds in a year, you need to set up smaller weight goals along the way so you can keep up the momentum. Milestones also help you see if you need to tweak the challenge, either lower or higher. If you lose 10 pounds in about 2 months, you are right on schedule. If you have only lost 5 pounds in that same time period, though, you may need to lower the amount you plan on losing in a year. Now if you lose 15 pounds in 2 months, you may want to raise the amount you plan on losing in a year or cut the time down to say 10 months. 

 

When you do a group challenge, you have some added benefits. There is a sense of camaraderie when working together on a goal that you do not get just competing with yourself. Other people can give you ideas, too. For example, if you are in a group losing weight, people can share healthy recipes and support. Just remember that the primary person you are in competition with is not the others, but yourself and you can really enjoy doing a group challenge.

 

Create Habits to Stay Motivated

It should come as no surprise that the habits we form will determine our success or failure. After all, habits already dictate a lot about our lives. If we, for example, eat large amounts of food regularly and don’t exercise, we can expect to have physical consequences for our actions. That’s why it’s so important to form good habits so that we can reach our fullest potential.

 

What’s even more interesting is the fact that these same good habits can help us to stay motivated when it comes to realizing our goals. 

 

Let’s look at some examples:

 

1. Take care of yourself. If you’ve ever been sick then you know it’s impossible to be productive, or even to have a positive attitude when you’re not feeling good. That’s why it’s so important to take charge of your health. Carrying extra weight not only drags you down but affects energy levels which in turn affects productivity. Setting up some healthy habits such as going to the gym more often, or making changes in your meal plan then will help you to stay motivated longer just because you’re feeling better when your body is in sync. Your improved health makes this a win-win all the way around.

 

2. Revisit the reason you’re doing what you do. When you make goals, you tend to feel that initial surge of enthusiasm for the project. Sadly, this motivation tends to wane over time. Build a habit that forces you to revisit the goal to bring that motivation level back up. For example, if you’re doing something that will benefit a specific group of people somehow, then plan to spend time each month with that group to remind yourself of why you’re doing this. 

 

3. Be proactive. Getting the jump on things is a habit that not only keeps your boss happy but also gives you a rush of dopamine to the brain. Build habits of being early, or do things that help you to think ahead. For example, make lists that keep you not only on task but ahead of the game. 

 

4. Focus on the small stuff. If you’re dealing with a big goal, such as some serious weight loss, it’s easy to lose your motivation when it feels like you’re not making progress. Having small goals gives you milestones to celebrate and builds motivation back. These kinds of goals come from small changes, like planning to eat a little differently (cutting carbs for example), or in taking the stairs instead of using the elevator.

 

5. Surround yourself with people who motivate you. That is an easy habit for you to build, in that it involves choosing a little more carefully what company you keep. Building a habit of meeting with this group on a regular basis not only keeps you motivated but has the added benefit of cementing relationships with those around you.

 

Building good habits is an awesome way to stay on track to reach your goals. The best part? As with any habit, if you do it enough, you’ll wind up acting without thinking, making motivation an automatic part of your life. How cool is that?

 

Discipline in Bite Sized Steps

One of the ways that people struggle with developing self-discipline, is trying to make too many changes at once. Not just by doing more than one goal at a time, but by making those goals way too large. Either of these approaches tend to lead to failure. 

 

An example of too many goals at once might be someone choosing to quit smoking, go on a diet, exercise regularly, build a successful business, and get out of debt. All of these are good goals that can be done. If you try to do them all at once, though, you will probably find it to be too much and quit. This is one of the reasons why resolutions rarely work out. Instead, focus on one or two of these for at least 1 to 2 months and make them consistently a new habit first, before tackling new goals.

 

For example, take quitting smoking, you might start with that one since it has the most negative impact both on health and finances. So you might start with just quitting smoking. You could spend a couple of months getting rid of the cigarettes and using aids like the nicotine patch to help. Then once you have completely quit smoking and no longer need the patch, you can move on to the next goal or goals on your list. 

 

You may find changing your diet and exercising more to be really overwhelming goals because they are huge ones. So, another tactic to help you with discipline is to break them down into smaller goals. Instead of just quitting overeating, maybe you break it down into this week you cut your soda intake in half, then week two you cut it out completely. If you do this week by week making one SMALL change, you may find it easier to stay in control. 

 

Another way you can break it down is by intensity. So say you want to exercise more, but you have not exercised in years. If you start with something like a full workout, you may give up or get injured and then be unable to exercise at all. So instead of going full tilt, you can start by doing mini workouts at a lower intensity for a few days, and over time add more minutes to your workout until you reach at least 20 to 30 minutes of activity. You can also over time increase the intensity of your workout as you get stronger and in better shape. 

 

By breaking down the goals into bite-sized steps, you can make it easier to develop the discipline you need to accomplish them. You will also improve the chances of success in changing your habits.

 

Discipline is Empowering

You may think that developing discipline is about limitations. This thought has probably been reinforced by previous attempts at changing your bad habits. Actually, it can be very empowering to develop discipline. Think back to when you managed to make a change in behavior that was successful, how did you feel? When you overcome obstacles in your path, and accomplish something with consistent work, you feel like you can do anything. 

 

When you are not self-disciplined, you often do not accomplish your goals and feel like you are not worthwhile. You tend to put yourself down more and in general have a more negative outlook on life. You may set yourself up for health issues, in particular those related to obesity, or have trouble in your relationships with friends and family. 

 

Successful people do not get there just because of luck. They make goals, plan how to achieve them, and then develop the discipline to accomplish those goals and plans. They do fail, they do have obstacles, they may even modify the goals or go in a different direction based on working on those original plans. 

 

If you want to succeed, you need self-discipline. You may want to get rid of bad habits like smoking, gambling, and overeating. You may want to form good habits such as exercising, reducing clutter, reading more books, watching less television, or saving money. You can accomplish these habit changes if you focus on one or two at a time, and consistently act on those goals over time. One is best, though if you are trying to lose weight, you may find it better to combine dietary changes with exercise. 

 

The biggest obstacle to discipline is not lack of willpower, but a desire for instant gratification. Especially in modern society, everything seems to be focused on having things done quickly. People eat instant oatmeal or cold cereal instead of having a cooked breakfast. You grab a burger at a fast-food restaurant instead of bringing a healthy lunch to work. Television commercials tell you that you can have this or that right now, if you pay by credit card. The problem with that of course is the interest you later have to pay on those purchases. 

 

You can improve things where you are not in debt, are healthy and fit, and have stable relationships, but it will require giving up instant gratification, and adopting self-discipline. It will not always be easy, but you will find it quite empowering to achieve your goals for a better life.

 

Tips to Increase Trust in Yourself

You may have a difficult time trusting yourself. Don’t despair. You are not alone. It is something that many people experience, and find difficult to overcome. When you lose trust in others, you start to lose trust in yourself.

 

To help you overcome this problem, you need to focus on key aspects of trust. The first is to have faith in your accomplishments. If you pass off your accomplishments as not being that important, when you need to rely on them, they won’t be there for you. That is sure to interrupt the process of trusting yourself.

 

You also need to trust your instincts. You won’t always be right, but you will be more often than not. An instinct is something you feel strongly about and does not come only from experiences. They come from something internal that no one can truly explain. It’s part of that inner voice that is telling you what to do. You need only listen. How many times have you said to yourself that you should have listened to your instincts?

 

You should rely on other people. If you open yourself up to letting others into your life, you will find that you become more trusting of yourself. Whether you like it or not, you need other people. You can’t know everything there is to know about every subject. Use the strengths of others to supplement what you know. It will take the burden away from you to do everything. That will help open the possibilities to put trust in yourself.

 

Try to filter out negative information. You get bombarded with this throughout your life. It occurs every day in the news, at work, and in many cases, your home. The more you learn to focus on positivity in your life, the easier it will be to trust yourself. A good first step towards this goal is to avoid negative people. They work hard to try to bring you down.

 

Trusting yourself sometimes requires a leap of faith. Take some chances. While you want to be smart regarding the risks of your choices, you don’t want to overanalyze every decision you make. If you do, you will never make any decisions, and you will stagnate. It’s true that not everything will work out the way you plan. But, you will never know unless you try. The good news is when you are ready to try, many of your decisions will work for you.

 

5 Ways to Stay Motivated No Matter What

Losing motivation? It happens to the best of us. But there are tricks to staying motivated, many of which involve taking a hard look at your goals. With a little preparation and solid planning, there’s no reason why you can’t stay motivated all the way through whatever project you’ve set out for yourself.

 

How?

 

1. Start with the big picture. What is it you’re trying to accomplish? Having an idea of the eventual goal will help you to stay on track. The clearer the vision, the more likely you are to keep going, even when times get tough. Ask yourself what it is you’re trying to achieve – and then picture yourself achieving it. The visualization step is the most important one here. We tend to perform in the way we expect to. So if we expect to fail, we do. By seeing success, you’re more likely to attain success. 

 

2. Now that you’ve gotten the big picture make sure this is YOUR goal. At first glance that statement seems ridiculous – why would you make a goal that isn’t your own? This answer can be found most easily in asking WHY you want to accomplish what you are. If the word “should” comes up, then chances are you might want to re-evaluate what you’re doing. We often set goals because we feel like they’re something we’re supposed to do, and not because they’re something we want to do. You’re less likely to stay motivated when you’re on the path of ‘should.’ 

 

3. Next, you’ll want to break those tasks down into something manageable. Now that you have a goal and are sure it’s something you want to do, you might feel a little overwhelmed about how you’re going to accomplish that goal. By breaking it up into smaller pieces, you regain the feeling that you’re doing something possible. Like a pro tip? Celebrate the small successes then as you go. That will help keep the motivation levels high. 

 

4. If you’re still a little overwhelmed, get organized. It might be that you don’t feel prepared to work on this project because you lack the research or supplies. Figure out what you need, and then go about making sure you have the proper tools to get the job done. It’s easier to stay motivated when you have what you need to succeed. 

 

5. If all else fails, remember why you set the goal in the first place. It could be you only need a little reminder of your previous motivation to find the fresh motivation to keep going.

 

Motivation isn’t something you have to lose as you work on a project. You can keep your motivation levels high with a little forethought and planning. By keeping on track with your goals, you’ll find that motivation will likewise keep on track, guiding you all the way through the job at hand until completion.

4 Easy Strategies for Sticking to New Year’s Goals

Science has proven that micro-habits are much more effective than big, hairy goals. And yet, when another New Year’s rolls around, the first thing we do is make a huge list of resolutions we want to keep. However, using micro-habits to make changes in your life sets you up for success because of the consistent progress you see. Sticking to our New Year’s goals this year doesn’t need to be hard or scary. Try these three easy strategies to make your goals for the new year doable and rewarding.

 

1. Choose One Thing — one reason we rarely accomplish any of our New Year’s resolutions is because we make a lot of them and they are all massive. So, this year, instead of a laundry list of changes, decide which goal is the most significant in your life. For example, since our health impacts everything we do, you may decide that getting healthier is the one area which deserves your focus. 

 

2. Break It Down — another way we make things hard for ourselves is by stating our goal as something ambiguous and undefined. Like in the example above, “Get healthy” as a goal is sure to fail. Why? You'll fail because the goal is too vague. Instead, you may want to start a list of all the steps you could take to become healthier. You could include things like drinking eight glasses of water per day, exercising for twenty minutes each day, eating a salad for lunch five days a week, drinking only two cups of coffee or soda per day, and getting at least eight hours of sleep per day. Then, choose just one of those to start. Starting with the easiest one is okay. Once that becomes a habit, you can move on to the next one on the list. 

 

Another important aspect is to make the action toward your goal doable. If drinking eight glasses of water each day sounds impossible, how about drinking two? Once you’ve reached two glasses each day, you can step it up to three. That’s how we make even challenging goals stick.

 

3. Choose a Prompt — the easiest way to make sure you include the action steps you need to take to meet your goal is by taking them immediately after you do something that you already do each day. For example, if your goal is to drink eight glasses of water per day, choose prompts to help you remember to drink water. Maybe you decide to take three big gulps of water after hitting “send” on each email throughout the day or a whole glass before each meal and on each break you take during the day.

 

4. Connect it to a Positive Feeling — how do you feel at the end of the day when you stay hydrated? Sure, you might not enjoy drinking water all day, but by connecting the action to still having lots of energy after you’ve worked all day, for example, it’s easier to get up and do the same thing again the next day too. Before you know it, drinking enough water each day has become a positive habit—a goal you’ve reached. Once that’s in place, you’ll be ready to take on one of the others on your “Get healthy” list.

Why Routine Is Good for You

You’ll hear people refer to routine as being dull or boring. It implies that life is the same from one day to the next. However, routines are a great way to get your work done. It’s also a great means for teams to work together towards a common goal. When everyone has an understanding of what needs to get done, i.e., what routines each team member needs to perform, projects tend to run smoother.

 

We also have routines in our society. In some ways, laws can be considered routines. You know that you aren’t supposed to run a red light and that can be thought of as a routine. When you come to a red light, you stop as best as you can. There may be instances when you accidentally go through one here or there. But most people will stop for red lights. And this is good to reduce accidents.

 

You set up routines for your kids in the form of chores. You know that certain tasks need to get done each week. Many parents tie kids’ allowances on these chores. When the kids finish their chores, they receive their allowances. It teaches the kids a work ethic. They need to perform tasks, and when they complete those tasks, they receive money for them.

 

When you pay bills, you tend to have a routine for this. Some people like to get everything sorted on one day and pay all the bills on that day. Others will pay them whenever they receive them. Others, still, will set up their payments to be paid automatically by their bank or brokerage. There isn’t a right answer for how to do this. Whatever works for you is the right answer. However, the method you choose will be routine.

 

Contrast this to people who don’t have routines to manage their lives. They tend to handle tasks when the mood strikes them. These people are usually late with their bills and have messy environments. Some of these people will say that this way of life works for them. However, for most people this is chaos. It’s something that can easily be avoided by setting up routines for the tasks you need to complete. 

 

Of course, people are not robots. Hence, they do break up their routines on occasion. You may use weekends to do activities that you don’t get to do during the work week. Also, many families use vacations to help break up their routines.

 

4 Societal Norms You Must Break to Be True to Yourself

When is a rule, not a rule? 

 

We grow up thinking many things are set in stone. There are rules all around us. Some for fire safety. Some to protect our possessions. Some to keep things the way they've always been.

 

What becomes more complicated is the idea of societal norms. A societal norm is a way people behave, which has become so familiar people think of them as rules when in truth, they are not. 

 

So, while we're toeing the line, and there might be a time and place for this, sometimes it can do more harm than good, especially when it comes to doing what's right for the sake of your mental health and emotional well-being.

 

How do you know which societal norms you must break to be true to yourself? Think about these things: 

 

This is the Way It's Always Been Done

 

It seems no matter what you're talking about, trying to convince someone they should do something different is always an uphill battle. After all, it's always easier to keep things exactly as they are. Change is difficult. Which is why it's hard to convince ourselves sometimes just how much success relies on change. You can't get anywhere at all if you're always doing the same thing over and over.

 

It's Expected

 

Everyone has expectations. Our parents might put certain educational expectations on us. Our friends expect us to do what they're doing, especially when it comes to marrying or having kids. Even our significant other expects us to behave in specific ways sometimes. The problem? When we live to other's expectations, we forget to stay true to ourselves. Maybe we don't want college or kids. Or our picture of success is entirely different from someone else's. 

 

Mirror Images

 

We should all be exactly alike. Right? Sometimes it seems this way. We discourage those who are different from the norm and even make fun of them for being odd or eccentric. How does this make you feel when you want to do something a little 'different' from everyone else? It takes courage to stop being a mirror image of those around you. 

 

It's What You See

 

We love movies, tv; the internet…we also love to listen to what media tells us about absolutely everything. We make celebrities our role models and take for gospel truth information from the sketchiest of sources sometimes. Isn't it better to think for yourself and decide what's right and wrong?

 

Forget societal norms. They were created by people like you who got tired of whatever the old status quo used to be. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Keep things simple by staying true to yourself, and your life will be so much happier.

 

Communication Skills

The word communication is a general word in its meaning. It could take on many roles, depending on the use and context. It also has many formats as its delivery mechanism. You can listen to music or watch videos, or you can read a book. Conversations are forms of communications as well.

 

Because of the general aspects of communication, it’s difficult to imagine formulating it into a skill. But it is possible, and many colleges offer majors in communication, which elevates the field. It’s not necessary to study at a four-year college to enhance your skills of communication. It takes basic knowledge and some practice.

 

The biggest skill you can use to communicate better is to listen. People are not natural listeners as they are focused on themselves. It’s how we are wired. We will always put ourselves first. Part of that is a survival mechanism. But, because of our self-serving nature, listening to others is secondary and requires us to put effort into being better listeners.

 

To increase your ability to listen to others, the next time you are speaking with someone, repeat back everything they say. That may be a little unnerving to them, at first. But, if they look at you with a bewildered look, explain that you are just making sure you understood what they said. Once they get past the awkwardness, they will welcome the exchange.

 

The next step towards better communication is to use simple language. When you want others to understand your meaning, you need to make sure everyone will understand the words. People have different levels of education. Therefore, you want to use the lowest common denominator when speaking to everyone. You should not view this as a means of looking down at others. Your goal is to make sure you are understood. Speaking and writing in basic language is the best way to accomplish this.

 

You must consider the feelings of the people with who you're communicating. Even if you are a manager, barking orders at people is one of the least effective ways. Consider everyone’s opinions and needs. Keep people engaged in the communication platform. This way they take ownership in the process. That is a massive benefit for excellent communication. You will get more out of people when this happens than merely rattling off commands as if they are robots. There are some instances, such as the military, where shouting out orders is necessary. But, these are the exception, not the rule.

 

5 Tips for Having Difficult Conversations with your Partner

You love your partner, but sooner or later, a tough conversation needs to happen. While this is normal, (after all, what relationship doesn’t have its bumps along the way) how you handle those conversations will determine whether you come away from this particular conflict with a stronger appreciation for each other. This is why it’s so important to handle difficult conversations well. 

 

How do you ensure you engage in the best conversation possible in these circumstances?

 

Start with Not Putting Off the Talk Longer than Necessary

 

Take time to count to ten or to take a few deep breaths before beginning. After all, starting with too much emotion will be more damaging than helpful. Once you’re cooled down though, it’s time to talk. Why is it better sooner rather than later? By putting things off, you tend to build up resentment and inflate the conflict. It’s important to address situations before they get out of hand. A small problem today is much easier to solve than a giant one several weeks from now.

 

Drop the Good News / Bad News Approach

 

No one likes waiting for the other shoe to drop, so instead of giving the compliment with a ‘but’ lurking to negate everything you’ve just said, just come out and say the bad news first. If you’re determined to add in the compliment, do so after the bad stuff is out of the way, so you leave the person on a more positive note.

 

Plan Your Conversation

 

Rather than blindside your partner with an uncomfortable discussion, let them know you have something you want to talk about. Make it clear you’re wanting to discuss something that affects your feelings, rather than starting out in an attack. There’s a vast difference between, “I’d like to talk to you sometime about your drinking” vs. “I’d like to talk to you about how I feel when I see you drinking so heavily.” 

 

What Are Your Goals?

 

In any heavy conversation, you need to agree at some point on common goals. Working toward the same thing will help you find your way through the conversation to that eventual place.

 

Keep a Positive Spirit

 

Aim for optimism. Even if the conversation isn’t going how you would like it to, finding something to hope for will soften the outcome no matter what. 

 

Difficult conversations are just that: Difficult. But having a plan in place will help you to get through them. Use these steps to build the framework of your conversation, and even if the outcome is bad, getting there won’t be as difficult as you think. 

 

Top Tips for Resolving Conflicts in Your Relationships

No matter how much you like the other person, at some point, conflict is likely to happen. While most conflicts are fairly small (like trying to decide where to go out for dinner), left untended a conflict can fester and grow. That’s why it’s so important to resolve conflicts in your relationships before they have a chance to take on a life of their own.

 

How do you go about doing that?

 

1. Start by listening. But don’t just listen to the spoken words, but the feelings behind them. It’s the emotions that drive the conversation after all! By listening actively, meaning pausing to ask questions, clarify, and to reiterate what you think the other person is saying, you tell the other person that what they have to say matters. But more importantly, you’re letting them know that they’re being heard.

 

2. Look for the resolution over being right. Giving up the notion that you have to ‘win’ is where you start seeing the solutions. Conflict is not a competition.

 

3. Stay in the moment. Instead of focusing on what happened that brought you into this conflict, pay attention to what’s going on right now. Now isn’t the time for blame. Rather look for solutions.

 

4. Decide what’s important right now. That is called ‘picking your battles’ and is important in determining whether a thing is worth fighting over. Ask yourself if this is just an issue over a minor annoyance that will be easily forgotten, or if you have something deeper going on that maybe needs to be addressed.

 

5. Know how and when to disengage. That means being able to do what it takes to walk away. It might be forgiveness is in order. It might be that you’re just going to need to agree to disagree. Worst case scenario? It might be time just to let the matter go entirely. Whatever the case, there’s nothing to be gained by staying in the conflict. 

 

Resolving conflicts isn’t a hard skill to learn. By following these tips, you will discover how better to deal with conflict in every kind of relationship – whether business or personal. So, take heart – a misunderstanding doesn’t have to mean the end of the world. Instead look at your conflict as a step toward better understanding that will, in turn, lead to better relationships in the long run.